Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Change
Tonight I was reading FB updates of some of my friends. An old classmate of mine had written about how she hates when she knows someone's past, and how they try to act like they think she forgot. She felt that was just really fake.
Immediately I thought of myself, which tends to happen a little too easily (I hate to admit that). Today I considered who I was a year ago (video blogs I made back then made that pretty helpful). I was overweight, smoking too much, drinking too much, and just bitter about love and life. No, that is not the entirety of who I was, but that is a great deal of what I portrayed every day. I had no life outside of work. And at work, most of what I had to say was negative. If you met me back then, and bumped into me today, you may try to strike up a conversation like one we used to have and find that I'm a bit uninterested. And it's not that I think I'm "better than you" (hell, I'm still in this same old body and all it takes is one bad decision to make me go back to my old ways), it's just that I'm living to be better than who I've been. Because to be frank, I didn't like her much. There are some folks who hold my past against me currently. They remember how I was vividly. Some love the way I used to be and gently (or sometimes not so gently) attempt to persuade me to remain the same. Some will love me regardless of how I'm living and I'm so grateful for that! But they tend to be indifferent to how I live and that's not necessarily a good thing. Some see my change and are my biggest supporters! Because they understand that this process is HARD! Then, there's that last group. The haters. The ones who would love me to never "forget where I come from", and take every opportunity to say "Hey, hold up! This ain't you! Remember, I KNOW YOU! You love to drink! You're a chain smoker! You overeat and complain constantly!" And thank God for me, I can see right thru that. I understand that they are only so consumed with my past because they are being consumed by their present that they want so desperately to break away from. I get it. I was once there myself.
I used to be that person that would say "Did you hear him talkin' 'bout he's blessed and highly favored!? Puh-lease! Other than a funeral, that negro ain't been to church since negroes was rockin' jherri curls!!" And I was miserable the whole time. I was so miserable that either I couldn't comprehend the thought of another person actually experiencing genuine change, or I was jealous because all my attempts at change had proven to be futile. So I thought everyone else's had to be as inauthentic as the facade I was displaying in my day-to-day life. To those people, I am truly sorry. But I'm more sorry to myself. Because by being so consumed by negativity, I failed to acknowledge the blessing of inspiration those people may have been placed in my life to be.
So with that, I'll say this. Life is all about change. Every day we are changing, if only aging. Change is constant and inevitable. Whether you change for better or worse is entirely up to you. If you see another person "acting new", hey, ENCOURAGE THEM! If you know it's not real, PRAY FOR THEM! Sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it! I'm living proof of that! But above all else, I pray that you seek authentic positive change for YOURSELF.
As I sit here on my 4th day since giving up cigarettes (I haven't made it this far in over a year), I can tell you that CHANGE is a wonderful thing!! God bless you!! And thank you for letting me share. :-)
Immediately I thought of myself, which tends to happen a little too easily (I hate to admit that). Today I considered who I was a year ago (video blogs I made back then made that pretty helpful). I was overweight, smoking too much, drinking too much, and just bitter about love and life. No, that is not the entirety of who I was, but that is a great deal of what I portrayed every day. I had no life outside of work. And at work, most of what I had to say was negative. If you met me back then, and bumped into me today, you may try to strike up a conversation like one we used to have and find that I'm a bit uninterested. And it's not that I think I'm "better than you" (hell, I'm still in this same old body and all it takes is one bad decision to make me go back to my old ways), it's just that I'm living to be better than who I've been. Because to be frank, I didn't like her much. There are some folks who hold my past against me currently. They remember how I was vividly. Some love the way I used to be and gently (or sometimes not so gently) attempt to persuade me to remain the same. Some will love me regardless of how I'm living and I'm so grateful for that! But they tend to be indifferent to how I live and that's not necessarily a good thing. Some see my change and are my biggest supporters! Because they understand that this process is HARD! Then, there's that last group. The haters. The ones who would love me to never "forget where I come from", and take every opportunity to say "Hey, hold up! This ain't you! Remember, I KNOW YOU! You love to drink! You're a chain smoker! You overeat and complain constantly!" And thank God for me, I can see right thru that. I understand that they are only so consumed with my past because they are being consumed by their present that they want so desperately to break away from. I get it. I was once there myself.
I used to be that person that would say "Did you hear him talkin' 'bout he's blessed and highly favored!? Puh-lease! Other than a funeral, that negro ain't been to church since negroes was rockin' jherri curls!!" And I was miserable the whole time. I was so miserable that either I couldn't comprehend the thought of another person actually experiencing genuine change, or I was jealous because all my attempts at change had proven to be futile. So I thought everyone else's had to be as inauthentic as the facade I was displaying in my day-to-day life. To those people, I am truly sorry. But I'm more sorry to myself. Because by being so consumed by negativity, I failed to acknowledge the blessing of inspiration those people may have been placed in my life to be.
So with that, I'll say this. Life is all about change. Every day we are changing, if only aging. Change is constant and inevitable. Whether you change for better or worse is entirely up to you. If you see another person "acting new", hey, ENCOURAGE THEM! If you know it's not real, PRAY FOR THEM! Sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it! I'm living proof of that! But above all else, I pray that you seek authentic positive change for YOURSELF.
As I sit here on my 4th day since giving up cigarettes (I haven't made it this far in over a year), I can tell you that CHANGE is a wonderful thing!! God bless you!! And thank you for letting me share. :-)
Monday, April 26, 2010
Word of the Day: Chutzpah
Chutzpah - unmitigated effrontery or impudence, gall; audacity, nerve.
1892, from Yiddish khutspe "impudence, gall" from Hebrew hutspah. The classic definition is that given by Leo Rosten: "that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan."
Yiddish term for courage bordering on arrogance, roughly equivalent to "nerve" (in the slang sense): "It took a lot of chutzpah to make such a controversial statement."
Yeah, just because that's how I'm feelin today :)
1892, from Yiddish khutspe "impudence, gall" from Hebrew hutspah. The classic definition is that given by Leo Rosten: "that quality enshrined in a man who, having killed his mother and father, throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan."
Yiddish term for courage bordering on arrogance, roughly equivalent to "nerve" (in the slang sense): "It took a lot of chutzpah to make such a controversial statement."
Yeah, just because that's how I'm feelin today :)
Come on, Gov Christie!
A couple months back, my little sister came home from school excitedly telling me how her teachers had decided to wear something "red" one day that week, in an effort to stand unified against the proposed freezes in educator salaries; the high school students planned to support their teachers by doing the same. Since there is a little bit of a "Blood" problem around here (as in Crips and...yeah, you follow), the faculty at the school felt it may not in the best interest of the student body to encourage their participation in this "unified stance". I got so caught up in my little sisters ability to deliver a story with full-on drama that I failed to acknowledge what the true issue was. Well, that has since changed a bit so here we go...
My home state is currently facing a $2.2 billion deficit, and a projected $10.7 billion deficit for 2010-2011. As a result, aid to school districts has been cut by $475 million this year, and $820 million for 2010-2011. Teachers in some districts have accepted the proposed pay freezes, while those most districts have not.
Who suffers the most in all of this? The youth. Man, this absolutely blows.
At the moment, I'm still dilligently doing my homework. But I'll definitely continue to update this post as I find more information on this.
http://www.courierpostonline.com/article/20100421/NEWS01/4210361/War-between-schools-governor-not-over-yet
http://cbs3.com/topstories/insults.schools.funding.2.1643497.html
http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2010/04/nj_teachers_attack_gov_chris_c.html
"Yeah, run away ya lil b*tch!!" - Janet Jackson, Why Did I Get Married Too
OK, that scene was, as we know, a little extreme. But I'd be lying (as I believe you would be too) if I said I've never felt that level of anger and frustration with my partner. And in examining all aspects of her character in that movie, it's so simple to understand how things got THAT extreme. So, here are my "Lessons Learned from Perfect Patty" -
1. No one and nothing in this life is perfect.
2. The worst possible way to handle a problem is to ignore, bottle up emotions, and pretend that all is well.
3. Yes, there are most definitely times when I'd LOVE to say "F*ck you, eat a d*ck and die, you complete waste of flesh and bones!!"; however, that doesn't help anything (well, maybe a little...but it's not productive). You have to learn to express what you're feeling in a clear, concise, and productive manner. Anger does NOT have to equal drama.
4. You don't need to overreact in response to another person's overreaction to your actions - or inactions - (does that even make sense??).
5. Hiring a gay male stripper to jump out of a cake at your partner's job may not be classy, but damn if it ain't funny.
1. No one and nothing in this life is perfect.
2. The worst possible way to handle a problem is to ignore, bottle up emotions, and pretend that all is well.
3. Yes, there are most definitely times when I'd LOVE to say "F*ck you, eat a d*ck and die, you complete waste of flesh and bones!!"; however, that doesn't help anything (well, maybe a little...but it's not productive). You have to learn to express what you're feeling in a clear, concise, and productive manner. Anger does NOT have to equal drama.
4. You don't need to overreact in response to another person's overreaction to your actions - or inactions - (does that even make sense??).
5. Hiring a gay male stripper to jump out of a cake at your partner's job may not be classy, but damn if it ain't funny.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Pet peeve of the day: Cheaters
I was about to say that there's nothing I dislike more than a cheating man...but that would be a lie. There's nothing I dislike (read: utterly loathe) more than a cheating man who carries himself in the community as a "man of God".
Last night while riding a wave of emotion, I posted to my Facebook "Why is it that the heart has so much control over the mind, yet the mind has no control over the heart?" Minutes later, I received a private message from one of my "friends" which read: "You could have control over my mind, heart, soul, and body any day. LMAO, but very serious."
When the message originally came thru on my Blackberry, I just chuckled to myself and rolled back over to read. But today I decided to go to this man's page because I *thought* I remembered him being married (and always posting inspirational quotes and scriptures on FB). Needless to say, both were confirmed. Pictures of him in church with his choir, and the status of "married". See, I just can't get with that. I'd never want it done to me and I have learned (good God, I've LEARNED) that Karma is a bitch...with a gun. She never forgets, takes no prisoners, and could give a damn about your feelilngs.
Whenever a married man hits on me - knowing that I am fully aware of his married status - it pisses me off like no one's business. Why get married if you're just going to be a cheating, lying piece of shit? Why risk your life and your family over some skeezoid? And I'm sorry, this is just my opinion, if you date a married man KNOWING he's taken before anything begins, then you are, to me, a skeezoid. However, you get a pass if he's at least separated...divorces can be expensive, from what I've heard.
But hey, that's just my 2 cents. Now I just pray to God that I don't end up with a loser like that!
Last night while riding a wave of emotion, I posted to my Facebook "Why is it that the heart has so much control over the mind, yet the mind has no control over the heart?" Minutes later, I received a private message from one of my "friends" which read: "You could have control over my mind, heart, soul, and body any day. LMAO, but very serious."
When the message originally came thru on my Blackberry, I just chuckled to myself and rolled back over to read. But today I decided to go to this man's page because I *thought* I remembered him being married (and always posting inspirational quotes and scriptures on FB). Needless to say, both were confirmed. Pictures of him in church with his choir, and the status of "married". See, I just can't get with that. I'd never want it done to me and I have learned (good God, I've LEARNED) that Karma is a bitch...with a gun. She never forgets, takes no prisoners, and could give a damn about your feelilngs.
Whenever a married man hits on me - knowing that I am fully aware of his married status - it pisses me off like no one's business. Why get married if you're just going to be a cheating, lying piece of shit? Why risk your life and your family over some skeezoid? And I'm sorry, this is just my opinion, if you date a married man KNOWING he's taken before anything begins, then you are, to me, a skeezoid. However, you get a pass if he's at least separated...divorces can be expensive, from what I've heard.
But hey, that's just my 2 cents. Now I just pray to God that I don't end up with a loser like that!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
That's me on the left (looking like I'm pulling my super snug jumper out of my bootie)...
Taking the good with the bad...
My love life at the moment is under construction. It hurts, but I'm getting thru it. The process just really, really sucks. HOWEVER, my love life is not my entire life. And while yes, that area of my life blows, there are other things going on that I can't ignore.
For instance, I volunteered with Painted Bride to dance at an event in on June 17, 2010. I've followed Painted Bride since I volunteered at the first Black Lily Film Festival in 2007. The other day while at the gym, I received an e-mail with "Calling All Dancers" in the subject line. That grabbed my attention immediately. The Philadelphia Mural Arts Program is currently seeking 60 dancers to participate in a SURPRISE Random Act of Dance organized by and for the Mural ARts Program together with the RAD Project (Random Acts of Dance: Building Community Within Communities Through Movemement) and collaboration with dancers from the Pennsylvania Ballet. I'm actually pretty excited about that. The first audition isn't until the first week of June, so I plan to utilize my time until then to prepare myself and step my game back up a little. I need to rev up my workout routine at Ballys, as well as get myself to dance class at least 3 times a week. Between Philly Premier and Philadelphia School of Dance, that should not be an issue (especially considering the fact that I can just catch the train over). So there's that...
I had an opportunity to network with one of the editors of Heart and Soul magazine, and I plan on sending a query to her in the next 2 weeks. If I am to be serious about this writing thing, I have to establish discipline and handle this like a full time job. I've learned that instead of simply saying "I need to write", I'm beginning to be a little more specific and set parameters. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
I've got JUST over a month before I move into my place...YAY!! I will finally be able to establish my "zone" again and get back into creative mode. Currently I don't have a desk setup and the areas of the house where I'm able to access the internet are not the most conducive to heavy duty writing and research (for example, right now I'm sitting hunched over indian style on my bed as I type this blog...horrible on the back).
So all that to say this. Yes, today sucks balls (pardon my French), but it's not all bad. So with the suckiness, I'm taking in the good as well. In all things, find balance, right?
For instance, I volunteered with Painted Bride to dance at an event in on June 17, 2010. I've followed Painted Bride since I volunteered at the first Black Lily Film Festival in 2007. The other day while at the gym, I received an e-mail with "Calling All Dancers" in the subject line. That grabbed my attention immediately. The Philadelphia Mural Arts Program is currently seeking 60 dancers to participate in a SURPRISE Random Act of Dance organized by and for the Mural ARts Program together with the RAD Project (Random Acts of Dance: Building Community Within Communities Through Movemement) and collaboration with dancers from the Pennsylvania Ballet. I'm actually pretty excited about that. The first audition isn't until the first week of June, so I plan to utilize my time until then to prepare myself and step my game back up a little. I need to rev up my workout routine at Ballys, as well as get myself to dance class at least 3 times a week. Between Philly Premier and Philadelphia School of Dance, that should not be an issue (especially considering the fact that I can just catch the train over). So there's that...
I had an opportunity to network with one of the editors of Heart and Soul magazine, and I plan on sending a query to her in the next 2 weeks. If I am to be serious about this writing thing, I have to establish discipline and handle this like a full time job. I've learned that instead of simply saying "I need to write", I'm beginning to be a little more specific and set parameters. It's a process, but I'm getting there.
I've got JUST over a month before I move into my place...YAY!! I will finally be able to establish my "zone" again and get back into creative mode. Currently I don't have a desk setup and the areas of the house where I'm able to access the internet are not the most conducive to heavy duty writing and research (for example, right now I'm sitting hunched over indian style on my bed as I type this blog...horrible on the back).
So all that to say this. Yes, today sucks balls (pardon my French), but it's not all bad. So with the suckiness, I'm taking in the good as well. In all things, find balance, right?
Today actually sucks (venting)
Egg on my face again. And this is no "woe is me" rant, but the reality is what it is. I'm an intelligent girl, but being human (as I am), I am inclined to make the occasional mistake here and there. But the events that took place yesterday were just...wow. I hurt the one I love. And in the process, I used the fact that he had previously hurt me as justification. That happens in relationships. People hurt each other. But I actually wish I could take back just about every decision I made concerning love and relationships last year. I made decisions from a place of insecurity, pain, and resentment. And now I'm living the aftermath.
I realize that it's time to release everything I've fought for and with for the past 5 years. I'm spent. I'm tired. And I don't even know that I believe it's been worth the fight. Right now everything inside of me is chaotic. And to be honest, I'm not looking back anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of being the catalyst behind someone else's pain.
The night before last, I had hope for a future with him. Yesterday morning, I asked the question, he told me the truth. Last night I said goodbye. And today, well today just sucks. But, God willing, there's always tomorrow.
I realize that it's time to release everything I've fought for and with for the past 5 years. I'm spent. I'm tired. And I don't even know that I believe it's been worth the fight. Right now everything inside of me is chaotic. And to be honest, I'm not looking back anymore. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of hurting. And I'm tired of being the catalyst behind someone else's pain.
The night before last, I had hope for a future with him. Yesterday morning, I asked the question, he told me the truth. Last night I said goodbye. And today, well today just sucks. But, God willing, there's always tomorrow.
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