Tonight I was reading FB updates of some of my friends. An old classmate of mine had written about how she hates when she knows someone's past, and how they try to act like they think she forgot. She felt that was just really fake.
Immediately I thought of myself, which tends to happen a little too easily (I hate to admit that). Today I considered who I was a year ago (video blogs I made back then made that pretty helpful). I was overweight, smoking too much, drinking too much, and just bitter about love and life. No, that is not the entirety of who I was, but that is a great deal of what I portrayed every day. I had no life outside of work. And at work, most of what I had to say was negative. If you met me back then, and bumped into me today, you may try to strike up a conversation like one we used to have and find that I'm a bit uninterested. And it's not that I think I'm "better than you" (hell, I'm still in this same old body and all it takes is one bad decision to make me go back to my old ways), it's just that I'm living to be better than who I've been. Because to be frank, I didn't like her much. There are some folks who hold my past against me currently. They remember how I was vividly. Some love the way I used to be and gently (or sometimes not so gently) attempt to persuade me to remain the same. Some will love me regardless of how I'm living and I'm so grateful for that! But they tend to be indifferent to how I live and that's not necessarily a good thing. Some see my change and are my biggest supporters! Because they understand that this process is HARD! Then, there's that last group. The haters. The ones who would love me to never "forget where I come from", and take every opportunity to say "Hey, hold up! This ain't you! Remember, I KNOW YOU! You love to drink! You're a chain smoker! You overeat and complain constantly!" And thank God for me, I can see right thru that. I understand that they are only so consumed with my past because they are being consumed by their present that they want so desperately to break away from. I get it. I was once there myself.
I used to be that person that would say "Did you hear him talkin' 'bout he's blessed and highly favored!? Puh-lease! Other than a funeral, that negro ain't been to church since negroes was rockin' jherri curls!!" And I was miserable the whole time. I was so miserable that either I couldn't comprehend the thought of another person actually experiencing genuine change, or I was jealous because all my attempts at change had proven to be futile. So I thought everyone else's had to be as inauthentic as the facade I was displaying in my day-to-day life. To those people, I am truly sorry. But I'm more sorry to myself. Because by being so consumed by negativity, I failed to acknowledge the blessing of inspiration those people may have been placed in my life to be.
So with that, I'll say this. Life is all about change. Every day we are changing, if only aging. Change is constant and inevitable. Whether you change for better or worse is entirely up to you. If you see another person "acting new", hey, ENCOURAGE THEM! If you know it's not real, PRAY FOR THEM! Sometimes you gotta fake it 'til you make it! I'm living proof of that! But above all else, I pray that you seek authentic positive change for YOURSELF.
As I sit here on my 4th day since giving up cigarettes (I haven't made it this far in over a year), I can tell you that CHANGE is a wonderful thing!! God bless you!! And thank you for letting me share. :-)
